You are a complete idiot if you...
Authors
Jean Marré
A number of reasons why people are jerks. This is a work in progress. It will grow. I refer just to actions, don't get me started on convictions (Elvis lives) and belief systems (religions). If you find yourself doing a single activity as described below you still can be a great human being. Two activities still leaves you with hope to wise up one day. If you have done three actions on my list, and/or are still doing so, you are beyond therapy, you are an idiot. And hey, don’t take life too seriously, folks.
You are a complete idiot if you...
... take someone else`s cigarette, smoke a few puffs, hand the cigarette back.
... click the like button of your own facebook posts.
... take part in competitive eating contests (e.g. oysters, matzeballs, hotdogs)
... buy products labeled "Bio".
... have five trash cans and separate your trash.
... have fat and unfit kids.
... watch a movie on your smartphone.
... mutilate the genitals of a male child by circumcision.
... run around with a tramp stamp.
... accept a person as your lost son - even though he has a different eye color and a foreign accent (Frédéric Bourdin).
... are still undecided - 10 days before the US presidential elections.
... advertise/broadcast opinions or brands on the clothes you wear (like Jack Wolfskin jackets or
t shirts stating that you love New York (especially if you have never been there).
... someone asks you for directions, and you have no clue, but you keep explaining as if you would know exactly what you are talking about, thus sending off guard visitors to all the wrong places (which sometimes may have catastrophic consequences).
... listen to the Howard Stern show, and/or watch Oprah.
...... sneeze, cough, yawn and do not cover your mouth.
...watch a 3D movie in 2D.
... don't turn off your cell phone in a movie theater.
... have an alleged wolf paw on your jacket.
... drink your own urine for other than reasons of survival.
... drink cow urine.
... keep wild, dangerous animals as pets in your department or on your premises, e.g. cougars, lions, tigers, snakes, bears, primates.
... read a cell phone novel on your cell phone.
... send your kid to a Jesus Camp.
... watch "Mike and Molly" more than once.
... are working on a time machine, especially if you are a real physicist (e.g. Ronald Mallet).
... copy other people's shows because you lack originality and ideas (like the German dimwit Harald Schmidt who emulated the Letterman show).
... marry a hardcore criminal who is doing time in prison.
... do Doga (Dog Yoga).
... wait in line for hours to get into a new Apple store.
... read your horoscope regularly.
... share a toilet with a cat.
( like here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1edDfzluXE&feature=fvwrel)
... chase the Yeti or Sasquatch (or a mermaid or a unicorn for that matter).
... take homeopathic drugs.
... use your mobile phone while being in the crapper.
... are waiting for rapture, tribulation, Armageddon or a Messiah, king of the Jews.
... pray five times a day.
... circumcise a child for nonmedical reasons.
... fall for the (century old) shell game.
... have vaginal surgery for reasons of Zeitgeist.
... are a couple that lives together and shares the same email address.
... write "that a network of interbreeding bloodlines manipulating through their web of interconnecting secret societies have been pursuing an agenda for thousands of years to impose a globally centralized fascist state with total control and surveillance of the population." Product Description of " Secrets of the Matrix"
... watch a "Jackass" movie, and really like it.
... blame everyone else but yourself for your miserable life.
… keep goldfish in a bowl and/or a bird in a cage.
… play or watch an 11 hour tennis match (as in Wimbledon 2010).
… took part in “We live in public” in New York 1999, created by the top shelf idiot Josh Harris.
... call a whore a „sexworker“, and a dwarf "little people".
… shouted “no rain, no rain!” at Woodstock 1969.
… want to become the first BLACK James Bond.
… write a 284 pages book about how to switch from Internet Explorer to Firefox. (ISBN 0-596-00939-9)
... have a penis tattooed on your arm, and/or the words "fuck" and "shit" on your eight fingers (like Stephen G. Glove, the Jackass dude).
... are standing in front of the Mona Lisa in the Louvre and take a photograph of the painting.
... take advantage of a drunken girl.
... walk on high heels other than once in a green cow.
... let any kid of yours have unsupervised contact with a priest (or any contact with a priest at all).
... watch James Cameron’s “Avatar”(USA 2009) not wearing 3D glasses.
... boil living lobsters, and call yourself a great cook.
... have an extramarital affair and leave clues and evidence on your cell phone.
... share your bed with a pet.
... had penile augmentation surgery.
... twitter several times a day about your unimportant, meaningless daily drudgery.
... answer your phone with “yellow”, and say “what can I do you for”.
... prepare for doomsday Dec. 21, 2012.
... keep your wallet in your pant's back pocket.
... play Volleyball on a pile of artificially dumped sand in a city and think you'd play Beach Volleyball.
(Even the name suggests it should be played on a beach.)
... dope with EPO and get caught.
(You mix EPO from different sources and countries and take a small dose.)
... tell somebody that he would never succeed in doing something he likes to do.
(Fosburry the flopper was told by his trainer he would never make it and should go join the circus instead.)
... kiss a dog on its snout or let a dog lick your face.
... are a Buddhist monk, if you obey stupid, meaningless rules like:
can't eat after 12 pm
can't carry food into the next day
can't sleep on soft beds
can't handle gold and silver
... get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with a person.
... play air guitar.
... are straight but kiss a man on the mouth - e.g. Marlon Brando kissed Larry King, and Mickey Rourke kissed at the 2009 Spirit Awards.
... say "no problemo".
... buy a book containing solely black and white photos.
... you stare at the handset as if it were a display/screen someone on the phone hangs up on you.
... direct a movie and let the actor with an injured or broken leg use the crutch on the wrong side.
... run around with silicon tits.
... spit on a woman's private parts, because you saw it in a porn flick, and you mistake your rotten saliva for a good lubricant.
... work for or contribute to the TV station E!
... read a book or magazine on an iPod or any other cell phone.
... on a regular basis watch a TV show that is all about people giving tattoos to fellow low lifes.
... cover bald areas on your head with a comb-over.
... are a man and cut your pubic hair.
… wear a miniskirt, then sit down, cross your legs, and stretch the skirt every 2 minutes.
… trust health advice from internet health forums, and end up doing liver cleansing or gallstone flushing.
... edit or contribute crap to the PSEUDO encyclopedia Wikipedia, and think that makes you a valuable member of society. (Why Wikipedia is not an encyclopedia.)